Why my blog and I haven’t sold out yet

GoogleAds are an easy alternative to score some extra lucre without actually working. It’s as easy as cutting and pasting a snippit of code onto the template. The ads appear to the left or right of the page (customization options!) and every time someone clicks on the ad you make a mind bending three to eight cents. Ca-ching.

So where are my ads, passively pocketing pennies per click? Well, they were up here until I got this email:

Hello Paul VanDerwerken,

(“Hello”. Like you know me, Mr. Google AdSense team. And notice the “Paul.” Anytime I do anything shifty, I’m sure to use my first name. I think it’ll be easier to flee the country if it ever comes down to that. I’ll just tell the cops at the Canadian border they’ve got the wrong guy, my name’s Tyson. And if they’re on top of their game and aren’t fooled by that I’ll tell them they want my dad, Paul VanDerwerken Sr. I got the idea from George Michael Sr. and Oscar Blueth.)

While going through our records recently, we found that your AdSense account has posed a significant risk to our AdWords advertisers. Since keeping your account in our publisher network may financially damage our advertisers in the future, we've decided to disable your account.

(Uh oh. I can only assume the “significant risk” they were referring to was how I entered my own site and clicked the ads there about eighty times a day. I didn’t want Google getting suspicious though if all my clicks came from the same computer. The computer labs on campus helped here: I would sit at one computer, log onto it as well as the ones to the left and right, and start clicking away at all three. Money in the bank. After I was done, I’d sign off, move three computers over, and repeat.

And “financially damaging” my eye. The ads on my site were for like Brooks Brothers and Target. Granted the economy’s not in the best of shape, but I doubt a store that charges $75.00 for a pair of socks is going to be capitally smitten by my cyber charlatanism.

And who is this “we”? If that’s an actual person who has to look through records of the number of clicks a particular website generates, then that person’s job is more pathetic than the kid who makes 70 cents an hour clicking on his own website. More than likely the “we” in question is actually Skynet.)

Please understand that we consider this a necessary step to protect the interests of both our advertisers and our other AdSense publishers. We realize the inconvenience this may cause you, and we thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation.

(I appreciate how I’m never actually accused of any wrongdoing. I hate feeling guilty, especially feeling guilty after getting caught doing something that warrants feeling guilty. And yet there’s not any room to maneuver here- Google pulled the plug on my life of luxury. They did so after I’d already clicked my way to $65.00 but before they actually sent me a check. So I’m stuck still paying for college.)

If you have any questions about your account or the actions we've taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more information by visiting
https://www.google.com/adsense/support/bin/answer.py?answer=57153&hl=en_US.

(“We know what you did and we’re not going to argue with you or listen to you beg for another chance. Here’s a website that will tell you likewise, although not as bluntly.”)

Sincerely,
The Google AdSense Team

Now I’m stuck blogging for free. “Exploiting Google AdSense” is so not making my list of Million Dollar Ideas.

The hottest ticket in town

Last night I attended my sister Cami's wedding reception. It was done very well. As I milled around, however, I couldn't help but think of how I would have done my reception differently. Here's a partial list of the improvements I intend to include should I ever happen get married:

1. No flowers on the cake. This one has always been a pet peeve of mine. Flowers on a cake are like the security plastic wrap on a new DVD or the password to log onto your RouteY account. Its existence is a hindrance. Plus who wants to eat a cake that tastes like grass? Probably the same people who order wheat grass with their Jamba Juice, and if you've ever been suckered into doing that then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

2. Instead of having a real band I'm going to have Rock Band set up by the punch bowl.

3. The chocolate dipping fountain will double as a slip and slide. This will also be loaded into the back of my car before the end of the night for the upcoming honeymoon.

4. A clown who makes hats and animals for people. And it will be a legit clown with a newspaper ad or something and no criminal record, not one that arrives in an nondescript white van that doubles as a mobile meth lab as someone suggested.

5. If my bride and parents want to stand in a line then they're free to do so. I'd much rather be wandering around the crowd with a balloon hat on. If I am constrained to be in the greeting line, I want to be with my wifie on one side of a fooseball table going double or nothing for whatever present the invitee brought.
(sidenote: a "dealbreaker" prior to being engaged would be fooseball skills)

6. On top of the Rock Band playlist, the tunes played at my reception will differ decidedly from most others. No country songs about little girls growing up or else. I'll probably just put my Ipod on shuffle (which is also what I'm doing at my wake/funeral) but for sure the following songs will be included: "By the Way They Dance" by Jump Little Children for the first dance, "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS, "I only Want to Be with You" by Hootie and the Blowfish, and "The Monster Mash" by Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt Kickers.

And as a blog bonus! the three requisite songs to be played at my funeral are "At Your Funeral" by Saves the Day, "Fly like an Eagle" by Steve Miller, and the theme song from the "Mortal Kombat" movie.

7. My wife is actually going to be attractive.

Just kidding Cami, you looked great.

Those were the ones that first came to mind. I haven't given my reception much thought though, so I retain the right to add to this list as more ideas come to mind. Best of luck Cami and Nate-

Archie the Apple

If I ever get around to starting my own university, I'm going to make the mascot an apple. That way, whenever we have a good/bad season, people can be like "how 'bout them Apples?"

Featuring the world's largest rhinestone

Today I visited the Liberace Museum. Why? For the same reason Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mt. Everest and Bruce Bogtrotters ate Miss Trunchbull’s chocolate cake: because it was there. Proximity determined preferences, applicable in cases of fast food, dating, and Saturday afternoon activities. Plus it was way cheaper than the roller coaster at the New York, New York.


Within the costumes and collectables repository of one of the more flamboyant entertainers of the previous generation I counted six usages of the word “fabulous” : twice referring to wardrobe, one describing a pink Rolls Royce coverer in tiny mirrors and another a piano, one preceding “Las Vegas”, and twice more used as an adjective connected to the man himself. I couldn’t count the number of rhinestones. Only Jesus can.

It actually wasn’t too bad. I’ve never seen so many creative designs for capes. Seriously, no one has ever rocked the cape like Liberace. It belongs to him, the same way the phrase “T-t-t-t-that’s all folks!” belongs to Porky Pig and that little mustache narrowed to just the middle belongs to Hitler.


Demographically, it’s not the best place to meet chicks. Unless you’re into babes with oxygen tanks.

I think if Liberace is in hell, than he’s locked in a trailer in Des Moines wearing a white t-shirt, jeans, and Chucks. And that one song by Eiffle 65 is set on repeat.

An epitaph in copperplate

I'd like to think people I've never meet will remember me after I die, and not just for my penmanship.