February's million dollar ideas

Pants with a sensor that beeps if you take more than four steps with your fly undone, a weightlifting machine that has you sit and arm wrestle against a set of weights to isolate the muscles and give you an advantage in future arm wrestling matches, computer screens that emit light UV rays (with an on/off switch) so you can tan at work and get your vitamin E to fight off depression.

Competing with the teacher for face time

I don't understand why students over thirty five feel compelled to make six or seven comments during every single class period. Maybe when I'm older I'll think that since I've lived through more I'm more qualified to comment on the course material. Hopefully I'll a) not still be in school in 12 years and b) have the sense to realize quantity does not equal quality.

Bad signs

Things to do on a date while waiting for your food to come:

Chew on your straw, stare at the people sitting next to you, check to see if you missed any new texts, doodle on your napkin, make a teepee out of your silverware, look at the wine list, twiddle, readjust your socks, power nap, fix your hair in the reflection of your spoon, hum, organize the cards in your wallet/purse.


Thanks to our special correspondent for her research.

Suck on it, Sly Sludge

I believe God is going to make people who have a penchant for littering retrace their steps and pick up all the trash they threw on the ground before they can enter heaven. People who throw their cigarette butts everywhere are going to be hit especially hard.