PBS

Wicca

Seriously Though, You Should Probably Donate Something

401K

About a week ago I stopped doing the dishes. The sponge I was using to clean them was old and smelled like the type of bacteria that would turn my digestive track into Bosnia circa 1993 so I had to throw it out. I don't own very many dishes, and it didn't take long before all of them were sitting in the sink. Then I started eating out of Tupperware. Then I was out of clean Tupperware. Since then I've been living off Gobstoppers and Oreos.

Brackets

The Right Track

Wishes

Date Night

I didn't have an ice skating date tonight. I didn't have any date tonight, for that matter. I stayed home and read 'A Game of Thrones'. "Oh man, that is such a nerdy book," you say. You're talking to the same guy who's read both 'Children of the Mind' and 'Children of Dune'. So yeah, I'm not going to refute that. Or likely have a date next week either.

Khaos

whatever, i hate this and im done

I started this project almost a year ago. One year. I think it's time I come to terms with the fact that I'm never actually going to finish it. Growing up, I knew I hated certain things. Tomatoes. Marmosets. Bleeding to death. I never imagined I would hate lip syncing as much as I do now. It is the worst.

So there were a couple visual gags I was going to add- Steven was going to do a google search of "knee cancer" and it was going to return zero results, and in the end Nick was going to hold up a picture of a yellow VW Bug and punch Steven. But other than that it was just the two of them talking and I did not want to sync that. Maybe I'll do another one in the future, but with talking bubbles. Also, thanks to Beau for Nick's voice.

...and for some reason the latter half of the video wont load. Oh well. It was way funny. Use your imagination. 

Working with Gramps

 

click to enlarge

Writer's Block

ballsballsballs

Professor Marbot-

At the beginning of the week I checked Blackboard to see when the midterm was due by. I saw it was Friday and concluded that, similar to the postings, it must be by midnight. Typical to my nature and manifested by my several Friday 11:30pm postings, I waited until the last minute to start the test. Much to my chagrin, ten minutes ago I discovered the test had already been recalled. I realize my having missed the test is a quantifiable representation of my irresponsibility and the purpose of this email is not in any way to seek redress for my habitual procrastination. The syllabus was nothing but explicit about the availability expiration of the test, but if there's any form of  truancy with percentage deduction clause the especially penitent qualify for I would be eternally grateful. If not, I understand the consequences and hope to compensate with exceptional performance on future assignments. And even without any measure of clemency, this letter will at least prove to the instructor that while I may be irresponsible, at least I'm not apathetic about it. That makes me feel slightly better about myself, though it does little to improve my GPA.

Paul  




Man, if there ever was a guy who set himself up to be punished for being such a smart a in class, I am that guy. Response pending. 

My friend is selling the t-shirt on the left here. I'm trying to pitch the one on the left. It's not the more Christlike of the two, but it would increase his market base.

Perspective

Why aren't there more movies that come at a situation from the perspective of the invading aliens or lunching zombies? "District 9" came kind of close I guess, but I don't want to form an opinion on Armageddon until I see both sides of the story.  

Week 7 Response

Question:

You are a pizza shop owner and have determined that is costs you $6.00 to make a 12 slice pizza.  Discuss the price you would charge for a slice and why.  Be sure to consider other factors as well as cost.

Answer: 

What's up with all these pizza related questions? "What would the mission statement of your pizza store be? What would you call your pizza store? How much would you charge per slice?" Does anyone else here think the teacher recently opened their own pizza store, and is now farming her class for ideas on how to run it? If the final exam is something like "the last thing you need to do to finish the class is buy a large pizza at Mimi's Pizzeria and then tell all your friends how great it was" I will be 0.00% surprised. 

 

Also, getting ideas from the class is a terrible business strategy. There are some really, really bad ideas out there. Case and point:

I would charge $4.00 a slice because I'm looking to make an obscene profit per pizza. I wouldn't have any overhead costs because I would be making and selling the pizza out of a renovated ice cream truck that I would drive around on campus. I could get away with charging that much per slice because I'm the only pizza truck in the area. It would look like this:

Anyone steals my idea, be it teacher or student, and you'll be hearing from my lawyers.

back by popular demand, here's that other student's response:

I would charge 1.00 because selling in bulk is always cheaper because you will you will reach some profit. When you make a whole pizza it is a definate fact that you will sell the whole pizza. Selling the pizza slice by slice is never a definate process. With selling the slices for a dollar you would only need to sell 6 slices in order to make your money back and would allow for a 6 slice waste margin to cover any dropped slices as well as pizza that was never sold and got old or slices unsold at the end of the workday.  The bonus to selling a dollar a slice is there would be a profit of .50 cents a slice or 6 dollars a pizza which is a smart buisness move people are willing to pay for convience!!

Out of Hearing, Out of Mind

Razors

It's hard to justify spending this kind of money on razors, especially when my facial hair looks so good on me.

Week 6 Response

The Question:

Branding allows a product to stand out from other products, but selecting an appropriate brand name can be challenging.  The name should  be easy to pronounce and descriptive.  What name would you give to a pizza shop?  Explain your name and provide any information about the business that is relevant in the selection of the name.  Critique the various names given by your classmates.

If I was to own a pizza shop I would name it pasties because I would have a sit down bar and pizza joint instead of just the regular old go-go bar I would have very attractive waitresses wearing small shorts and pasties. Sex sells in this world and what would put my shop ahead but being the only one with beer wings excellent pizza and half naked girls. It may sound very blunt but look at hooters they are famous down south granted they did not make it up here but my shop would be something new and innovative i would maybe even have theme nights where the girls would do maybe host games for free pizza coupons etc.

Do NOT do a Google image search for "pasties" if you are at work or, like, if your mom is in the room. Swear, I had no idea what they were so I was sinning in ignorance. Ten seconds later and a quick erasure of my history and I'm a little bit wiser and a lot more convinced that "Pasties" would be the worst mash up ever. Theme nights does sound a little intriguing though...

Anyways, here's what I put:

  

"A brand name should be short and sweet, like a dwarf covered in Splenda. It should also be timeless, like Rivers Cuomo. 

It should be catchy, like the swine flu but not offensive, like striper waitresses (see Ms. Lewitinn's post). "Pasties".... sheesh.

 

I would call my pizza shop "Chester's Pizza" after Chester from "The Sifl & Olly Show". That would give me a mascot that's underground and hip as well as awesome.

Seriously, he is far and away my favorite television personality of all time."

 There's a link on Blackboard where you can check your grades. Turns out I am getting full credit for these responses. With a pass/fail assignment that values quantity infinitely more than quality such as this I'm almost tempted to be even more asinine and inane. If the teacher has to edit her syllabus because of me then I'll consider this semester a success.

 

Trash Runs

This is something I drew to explain what trash runs are.

What I Was Thinking about at 3am Last Night

Has anyone else ever noticed that "The Prince of Persia" and "The African Queen" are like the exact same movie?

If the road less traveled is covered in snow, don't take it.

I'm driving on Junction Road this afternoon when all of a sudden my car starts veering sharply to the left despite me not having turned the steering wheel. My first thought was "Oh man. I should not have been driving so fast on a road that's covered in snow." My second thought was "Or maybe my Chevy Aveo is actually a Transformer and is driving for me. That would be awesome, especially if Megan Fox is somehow later involved."

I still haven't ruled out the possibility that my car is actually a sentient life form from another planet, but if that is the case then it's a pretty sucky driver. Or it could have just been drunk this afternoon. Either way, my car spun around 560 degrees and ended up with the hood and front tires in a snow bank on the opposite side of the road.

 I tried backing out. 

That didn't work. Then I remembered hearing "the only way out is through" once and I put the car back into drive. 

Robert Frost gives the worst driving advice.   

Week 5 Response

Another week, another silly question to reply to. Here's this week's gem:

You are selling an exercise video.  Who would be your target market?  Why did you select this group of consumers?  Describe any particular features of your product that would interest your target market, and explain why these features are important?  Defend your selection against a classmate's different choice.

 Everyone else posted they would target fat people. That is a boring answer.  Here's mine:

If I were making an exercise video I would market it to people who hate clowns. As the graph below illustrates, there is a substantial demographic of clown haters.

The numbers behind the graph can easily be verified by doing a simple Google image search for "clowns". The creepy, frightening, and outright perverse results are indicative of a societal discontentment towards Ronald McDonald, Pennywise, Barnum and/or Bailey, Krusty, and the rest of their ill begotten ilk.        

There are currently no products specifically targeting people who hate clowns (aside from various forms of therapy), exercise videos or otherwise. An entire market share passively suffers in silence. I want to tap that potential with my exercise videos. I would tailor my training such that people would immediately begin to feel safer and more confident in the presence of clowns.

The exercise program would begin with some cardio videos so that one would be capable of running and escaping either a large group of clowns or one really aggressive one. Later in the program I would go into detail on how to take the offensive against clowns, but it's important to learn early that sometimes running away is the best course of action.

you should always run from this type of clown. no exceptions. don't be a hero.

Next I would start a strength training regimen. Clowns don't feel love or fear, but they do feel pain so it's important to make sure you inflict the largest amount possible with each punch to the face and kick to the groin. Do not feel bad about hitting a clown below the belt because they'd do the same to you. 

After accumulating the necessary muscle mass, I would teach some advanced clown fighting lessons. Krav Maga, MMA, and possibly even knife and small arms training would be part of the final course so people will be prepared to dispatch clowns as efficiently as possible after finishing my exercise videos.  




That's my response. It's not the funniest one, however. I think that award belongs to the following answer:

If i was to sell an excercise video  my target audience would be women ages 17-40 because women are vunerable about there weight. Every women wants to look like Carmen Electra but most of us unfortunately don't ! I selected this market because women of this age are generally single , married or divorced either way they still want to know they are attractive. This would be the vital feature to selling my product is playing on that need to feel attractive. A trait that an excercise video would have is promising the "sexy apperance that every women craves".

 Yes, it was posted in that color. Also, Carmen is 40 years old now, so I can't imagine the majority of women are dying to look like an ex-porn star far past her prime.

Conflicting Conclusions

Those afflicted with androgenic alopecia suddenly have bigger problems than the social stigmas associated with the early onset of male pattern baldness. According to some doctors, you probably have cancer as well. Awesome, right? I like the idea of a champion fighting back against the hair gods, preferably one whose strength is only surpassed by the volume of his own hair.

Then again, you might not have cancer. Other doctors came to the exact opposite conclusion. After reading both studies (or at least the Cliffs' Notes version of them) I've come to the conclusion that some bald men get prostate cancer and some bald me don't. I know, I should have gone to med school instead of drawing comics for a living.

The last frame was drawn seconds before the doctors started a rumble, Sharks v Jets style, only with less singing and more stabbing with scalpels.

Butter

How could you not vote for this guy? I mean, he's a karate expert with very liberal views on what constitutes a marriage and has a whole lot of conviction. I believe his message about the rent being economically challenging. I don't believe his facial hair. He's got kind of a Franz Josef/The Duke from Cinderella moustache sideburn bridge look with extra emphasis on his chin. Men have been growing hair on their faces since before they could walk upright, but never in all those years has anyone shaved that facial hair like Jimmy McMillan. If he can somehow channel that same creativity into solving New York's 3 billion dollar budget deficit then he earned my vote.

Ken Jennings did not represent on Jeopardy tonight. Luckily Brad Rutter kept Watson in check and is currently tied with the machine at the end of the first round. I have faith that Ken will turn things around in Double Jeopardy. He needs to keep winning if he expects his merchandise to keep selling.