nightshift stevens and other stuff

Update

2011-08-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

It will only take looking at the date of my last blog post, the date of this post, and some rudimentary applied math skills to realize my blog has been sorely neglected. Since I lasted updated my blog I have been dating Jennifer. The time needed to allow a relationship to mature is significant and I've been happily investing it for the past four months. True, there haven't been a lot of comics produced during that period but I consider being currently engaged to an amazing woman I love more than anything well worth the hiatus.

Our first date was on April 22. Since then we've spent almost every day together and have decided we'd like to continue doing so for the rest of our lives. We're to be wed in the Boston temple on November 18. I've never liked having a birthday or celebrating it, and this is probably the closest thing I can do to erasing it forever so many thanks for that Jennifer.

A lot of people have asked how I proposed so in the interest of efficiency I'll be henceforth referring them to this post. I asked Jennifer to marry me this past Friday. I'd known when and where I wanted to propose for the last month or so. By where I first asked Jennifer to be my girlfriend there is a large oak tree. I bought and hung around 600 feet of Christmas lights in its lower branches, making a kind of canopy of light. I had wanted to string lights all the way up the tree originally, but after falling out of the tree once I settled on a less potentially paralyzing plan. I had the lights hooked up to a generator two hundred feet of extension cord away and a little device that would allow me to turn everything on with a clicker I kept in my pocket.

this tree is huge. seriously. it's like 70 feet tall and the trunk is at least 5 feet thick.

the field where the tree is located

The evening started with a trip to the Cobleskill Sunshine Fair. Friday night was demolition derby night at the fair and I was really excited to go see cars run into each other. Jennifer said she was excited as well, but I'm pretty sure she was just saying that to make me happy. I had planned on going to the fair for an hour or so in the late afternoon and then getting to the tree at dusk, but Jennifer showing up 45 minutes early forced me to find some filler time. So we ended up walking around the fairgrounds, looking at every exhibit and then reading the placard about every exhibit. It was really boring (like they had collections of Shirley Temple memorabilia and washing machines from the 19th century on display), and most of the produce and food had spoiled and began to mold (the fair is three weeks long and Friday was the second to last day).

Gratefully it began to darken and we left and headed for the area where the tree was. I'd been lying to Jennifer for the past month, telling her about a project for the Pumpkin Patch I'd been working on in an adjacent field. I wanted the proposal to be a surprise, but I couldn't think of a good reason I'd be driving her off into an empty field alone and in the dark other than a proposal (or maybe murder) so I rigged this whole elaborate story about some satellite pumpkin stand she needed to see.

We arrived at the tree where I had Jennifer's favorite dinner waiting in a cooler by a table I had set up earlier. I clicked on the lights and we ate by the tire swing I had hung back on the date when I asked Jennifer if she would be my girlfriend. After we had finished, I took a knee and this time asked Jennifer if she would be my wife. She accepted, and we couldn't be happier together.

Homework

2011-05-10T19:53:00.001-07:00

Dandelions

2011-05-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

Cards

2011-05-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

I don't like to call it stealing. Be aware though I reserve the right to "repurpose" any conversation we've had into comic form. I also reserve the right to repurpose any good gift you may get your mother for mother's day, because as of yet I've no idea what to give mine. She's recently taken up knitting and has made like 30 afghans. She keeps on trying to give me one and I keep telling her afghans are stupid (why would you want a blanket that, when finished, is equal parts blanket and holes?) but if I don't have anything by Saturday night then I'll count my present as accepting one of her dumb blankets.

Cactii

2011-04-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

iPhone Pictures

2011-04-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

Why are there so many different kinds of tomatoes? They all taste equally gross. Except for those avocados, but that's because they're avocados and not tomatoes.

Isn't that a little redundant? Have you ever seen an old person try and use email? The "dummy" is all but implied in the specification it's for "seniors", coming out and calling them one again seems a little overkill for me, branding notwithstanding.

Shut up. I already passed the handicap parking spot (aka "fat person who managed to somehow snag a handicap ticket" spot), I'm not passing this one just because I have a cooler car than a van. Freakin' bossy sign...

HVCC College Catalog

2011-04-15T20:27:00.001-07:00

I have to read the college's catalog for one of my classes.

"The Collegiate Academic Support Program (CASP) promotes the academic and personal growth of traditionally underrepresented students by providing holistic programs and activities within an environment that celebrates diversity, inclusiveness, and diversity."

Apparently they don't celebrate diversity in their list items.

What They're Waiting to See

2011-04-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

I don't really see what the appeal is. But without fail, that parking lot observation area always has a few cars in it. I picked my grandparents up at the airport yesterday and drove past a full observation parking lot. And it was hecka cloudy out and raining so there really wasn't even anything to observe. There are a lot of times where I don't have a lot going on and don't really have anything too important to get done. Even still I think I'm too busy to park and watch airplanes land, clear or cloudy skies. Unless the people parking there are just doing so to avoid having to pay to use the short term parking in the airport garage, and if that's the case then I tip my hat to their craftiness.

Braille

2011-04-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

True story:

As part of my continuing goal to reach 100% self actualization I've decided to learn how to read and speak Braille. I don't plan on going blind anytime soon, and if I did being able to read Braille wouldn't do me any good because shortly after losing my sight I'd walk right into the middle of a busy intersection. Not because I couldn't see it, but because I was blind.

Paratrooper = 40 tickets

2011-04-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

TO SEE THE REST OF THIS COMIC, CLICK HERE

(Blogspot does weird stuff to the sizes of pictures and I couldn't get this one to look right.)

Vengence

2011-04-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

I didn't buy any books this semester. There were some that were required for my classes, but I wanted to wait until it was absolutely critical and essential to me passing the class before I paid for them. Eleven weeks into the semester now and I'm pretty sure I won't have to by this point. Not having access to any of the information in the class has necessitated a lot of guessing on my part. Lucky for me, I am a phenomenal guesser. Sadly, I don't currently have the GPA to prove it. I totally spaced a midterm. Well, I didn't forget about it, but I thought it was due by 12am and not 12pm.

She wrote me back, essentially telling me to go suck an egg and that I had a zero for the midterm. Laaame. I didn't learn anything in terms of not procrastinating. I still haven't filed my taxes yet, and now that the government is going to shut down forever the IRS won't ever mail be back my rebate. Which is really too bad because I was going to use that money to buy a really cool laser pointer.

Why is there a tapeworm on the counter? Who knows. Chuck-E-Cheese is pretty gross like that...

Perception

2011-04-08T23:23:00.001-07:00

There's also the term "undertaker". If you plug that into Google image search it only returns one image, and it's not of anyone who looks like the two characters featured above. Nor myself, for that matter. I don't know what the rest of the funeral directors in my school look like- the first semester is all prep GE type stuff and I can do it all online so I've actually only been to campus once. Next semester I get to get elbows deep in dead people with anatomy and embalming classes, so I'll get to see if there are any distinguishing features of funeral directors.

Also, I may or may not be addicted to Monster energy drinks, Assault flavor. I don't think I've been addicted to anything in the past, so it's difficult to know what signs to look for. But if having an uncontrollable craving for their delicious flavors every evening between 11pm to 1am constitutes and addiction then call me a crackhead. 1am is a terrible time to put 160 mgs of caffeine into your body, and don't I know it. So if anyone has any suggestions for how to break a bad habit bordering on an addiction, I'd love to hear them. And don't say "exercise self control" because obviously that isn't working.

Your Highness

2011-04-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Whose dumb idea was it to not put the right names over the corresponding actors?

Instincts

2011-04-07T12:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at your mouth palate, either before or after you introduce it a pizza hotter than the surface of Venus? It's funny looking. I wonder if all those ridges and bumps serve any purpose. I wonder if I would talk funny if I got all those ridges ironed out. I wonder why they call that thing an artist keeps his paints on a "palate" and which one came first- the mouth or the paints? I could probably do a little research and find out, but that would take all the magic out of life (and require effort) so I'm content to wonder.

Also, when discussing any painter I'm going to default to the male pronoun because as far as I'm concerned Bob Ross is the only painter there ever was.

Joggers

2011-04-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

As the weather continues to improve ("improve" being contingent on if you consider the outside temperature rising preferable to it remaining below the freezing point. The local penguins and snowmen are probably freaking out about the current warming trends) I've noticed a corresponding uptick in joggers. They're for the most part female, and for the all part bad looking joggers as far as form goes. None of them posses any fluidity of motion, which has always struck me as being peculiar as girls are typically the more graceful of the genders. Disagree with me if you want, but if you do you'll be outing yourself as a) a girl who is b) a jogger and c) self conscious about their image while working out.

Conference Sunday

2011-04-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

Difficulties encountered while watching Conference, respective to location:

April Fool's

2011-04-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

Safado

2011-04-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

PBS

2011-03-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

Wicca

2011-03-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Seriously Though, You Should Probably Donate Something

2011-03-28T14:57:00.001-07:00

401K

2011-03-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I stopped doing the dishes. The sponge I was using to clean them was old and smelled like the type of bacteria that would turn my digestive track into Bosnia circa 1993 so I had to throw it out. I don't own very many dishes, and it didn't take long before all of them were sitting in the sink. Then I started eating out of Tupperware. Then I was out of clean Tupperware. Since then I've been living off Gobstoppers and Oreos.

Brackets

2011-03-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

The Right Track

2011-03-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

Wishes

2011-03-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

Date Night

2011-03-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

I didn't have an ice skating date tonight. I didn't have any date tonight, for that matter. I stayed home and read 'A Game of Thrones'. "Oh man, that is such a nerdy book," you say. You're talking to the same guy who's read both 'Children of the Mind' and 'Children of Dune'. So yeah, I'm not going to refute that. Or likely have a date next week either.

Khaos

2011-03-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

whatever, i hate this and im done

2011-03-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

I started this project almost a year ago. One year. I think it's time I come to terms with the fact that I'm never actually going to finish it. Growing up, I knew I hated certain things. Tomatoes. Marmosets. Bleeding to death. I never imagined I would hate lip syncing as much as I do now. It is the worst.

So there were a couple visual gags I was going to add- Steven was going to do a google search of "knee cancer" and it was going to return zero results, and in the end Nick was going to hold up a picture of a yellow VW Bug and punch Steven. But other than that it was just the two of them talking and I did not want to sync that. Maybe I'll do another one in the future, but with talking bubbles. Also, thanks to Beau for Nick's voice.

...and for some reason the latter half of the video wont load. Oh well. It was way funny. Use your imagination.

Working with Gramps

2011-03-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

click to enlarge

Writer's Block

2011-03-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

ballsballsballs

2011-03-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

Professor Marbot-

At the beginning of the week I checked Blackboard to see when the midterm was due by. I saw it was Friday and concluded that, similar to the postings, it must be by midnight. Typical to my nature and manifested by my several Friday 11:30pm postings, I waited until the last minute to start the test. Much to my chagrin, ten minutes ago I discovered the test had already been recalled. I realize my having missed the test is a quantifiable representation of my irresponsibility and the purpose of this email is not in any way to seek redress for my habitual procrastination. The syllabus was nothing but explicit about the availability expiration of the test, but if there's any form of truancy with percentage deduction clause the especially penitent qualify for I would be eternally grateful. If not, I understand the consequences and hope to compensate with exceptional performance on future assignments. And even without any measure of clemency, this letter will at least prove to the instructor that while I may be irresponsible, at least I'm not apathetic about it. That makes me feel slightly better about myself, though it does little to improve my GPA.

Paul

Man, if there ever was a guy who set himself up to be punished for being such a smart a in class, I am that guy. Response pending.

2011-03-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

My friend is selling the t-shirt on the left here. I'm trying to pitch the one on the left. It's not the more Christlike of the two, but it would increase his market base.

Perspective

2011-03-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

Why aren't there more movies that come at a situation from the perspective of the invading aliens or lunching zombies? "District 9" came kind of close I guess, but I don't want to form an opinion on Armageddon until I see both sides of the story.

Week 7 Response

2011-03-04T17:13:00.000-08:00

Question:

You are a pizza shop owner and have determined that is costs you $6.00 to make a 12 slice pizza. Discuss the price you would charge for a slice and why. Be sure to consider other factors as well as cost.

Answer:

What's up with all these pizza related questions? "What would the mission statement of your pizza store be? What would you call your pizza store? How much would you charge per slice?" Does anyone else here think the teacher recently opened their own pizza store, and is now farming her class for ideas on how to run it? If the final exam is something like "the last thing you need to do to finish the class is buy a large pizza at Mimi's Pizzeria and then tell all your friends how great it was" I will be 0.00% surprised.

Also, getting ideas from the class is a terrible business strategy. There are some really, really bad ideas out there. Case and point:

I would charge $4.00 a slice because I'm looking to make an obscene profit per pizza. I wouldn't have any overhead costs because I would be making and selling the pizza out of a renovated ice cream truck that I would drive around on campus. I could get away with charging that much per slice because I'm the only pizza truck in the area. It would look like this:

Anyone steals my idea, be it teacher or student, and you'll be hearing from my lawyers.

back by popular demand, here's that other student's response:

I would charge 1.00 because selling in bulk is always cheaper because you will you will reach some profit. When you make a whole pizza it is a definate fact that you will sell the whole pizza. Selling the pizza slice by slice is never a definate process. With selling the slices for a dollar you would only need to sell 6 slices in order to make your money back and would allow for a 6 slice waste margin to cover any dropped slices as well as pizza that was never sold and got old or slices unsold at the end of the workday. The bonus to selling a dollar a slice is there would be a profit of .50 cents a slice or 6 dollars a pizza which is a smart buisness move people are willing to pay for convience!!

Out of Hearing, Out of Mind

2011-02-25T18:22:00.001-08:00

Razors

2011-02-24T14:50:00.001-08:00

It's hard to justify spending this kind of money on razors, especially when my facial hair looks so good on me.

Week 6 Response

2011-02-23T15:30:00.000-08:00

The Question:

Branding allows a product to stand out from other products, but selecting an appropriate brand name can be challenging. The name should be easy to pronounce and descriptive. What name would you give to a pizza shop? Explain your name and provide any information about the business that is relevant in the selection of the name. Critique the various names given by your classmates.

If I was to own a pizza shop I would name it pasties because I would have a sit down bar and pizza joint instead of just the regular old go-go bar I would have very attractive waitresses wearing small shorts and pasties. Sex sells in this world and what would put my shop ahead but being the only one with beer wings excellent pizza and half naked girls. It may sound very blunt but look at hooters they are famous down south granted they did not make it up here but my shop would be something new and innovative i would maybe even have theme nights where the girls would do maybe host games for free pizza coupons etc.

Do NOT do a Google image search for "pasties" if you are at work or, like, if your mom is in the room. Swear, I had no idea what they were so I was sinning in ignorance. Ten seconds later and a quick erasure of my history and I'm a little bit wiser and a lot more convinced that "Pasties" would be the worst mash up ever. Theme nights does sound a little intriguing though...

Anyways, here's what I put:

"A brand name should be short and sweet, like a dwarf covered in Splenda. It should also be timeless, like Rivers Cuomo.

It should be catchy, like the swine flu but not offensive, like striper waitresses (see Ms. Lewitinn's post). "Pasties".... sheesh.

I would call my pizza shop "Chester's Pizza" after Chester from "The Sifl & Olly Show". That would give me a mascot that's underground and hip as well as awesome.

Seriously, he is far and away my favorite television personality of all time."

There's a link on Blackboard where you can check your grades. Turns out I am getting full credit for these responses. With a pass/fail assignment that values quantity infinitely more than quality such as this I'm almost tempted to be even more asinine and inane. If the teacher has to edit her syllabus because of me then I'll consider this semester a success.

Trash Runs

2011-02-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

This is something I drew to explain what trash runs are.

What I Was Thinking about at 3am Last Night

2011-02-20T07:02:00.001-08:00

Has anyone else ever noticed that "The Prince of Persia" and "The African Queen" are like the exact same movie?

If the road less traveled is covered in snow, don't take it.

2011-02-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

I'm driving on Junction Road this afternoon when all of a sudden my car starts veering sharply to the left despite me not having turned the steering wheel. My first thought was "Oh man. I should not have been driving so fast on a road that's covered in snow." My second thought was "Or maybe my Chevy Aveo is actually a Transformer and is driving for me. That would be awesome, especially if Megan Fox is somehow later involved."

I still haven't ruled out the possibility that my car is actually a sentient life form from another planet, but if that is the case then it's a pretty sucky driver. Or it could have just been drunk this afternoon. Either way, my car spun around 560 degrees and ended up with the hood and front tires in a snow bank on the opposite side of the road.

I tried backing out.

That didn't work. Then I remembered hearing "the only way out is through" once and I put the car back into drive.

Robert Frost gives the worst driving advice.

Week 5 Response

2011-02-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

Another week, another silly question to reply to. Here's this week's gem:

You are selling an exercise video. Who would be your target market? Why did you select this group of consumers? Describe any particular features of your product that would interest your target market, and explain why these features are important? Defend your selection against a classmate's different choice.

Everyone else posted they would target fat people. That is a boring answer. Here's mine:

If I were making an exercise video I would market it to people who hate clowns. As the graph below illustrates, there is a substantial demographic of clown haters.

The numbers behind the graph can easily be verified by doing a simple Google image search for "clowns". The creepy, frightening, and outright perverse results are indicative of a societal discontentment towards Ronald McDonald, Pennywise, Barnum and/or Bailey, Krusty, and the rest of their ill begotten ilk.

There are currently no products specifically targeting people who hate clowns (aside from various forms of therapy), exercise videos or otherwise. An entire market share passively suffers in silence. I want to tap that potential with my exercise videos. I would tailor my training such that people would immediately begin to feel safer and more confident in the presence of clowns.

The exercise program would begin with some cardio videos so that one would be capable of running and escaping either a large group of clowns or one really aggressive one. Later in the program I would go into detail on how to take the offensive against clowns, but it's important to learn early that sometimes running away is the best course of action.

you should always run from this type of clown. no exceptions. don't be a hero.

Next I would start a strength training regimen. Clowns don't feel love or fear, but they do feel pain so it's important to make sure you inflict the largest amount possible with each punch to the face and kick to the groin. Do not feel bad about hitting a clown below the belt because they'd do the same to you.

After accumulating the necessary muscle mass, I would teach some advanced clown fighting lessons. Krav Maga, MMA, and possibly even knife and small arms training would be part of the final course so people will be prepared to dispatch clowns as efficiently as possible after finishing my exercise videos.

That's my response. It's not the funniest one, however. I think that award belongs to the following answer:

If i was to sell an excercise video my target audience would be women ages 17-40 because women are vunerable about there weight. Every women wants to look like Carmen Electra but most of us unfortunately don't ! I selected this market because women of this age are generally single , married or divorced either way they still want to know they are attractive. This would be the vital feature to selling my product is playing on that need to feel attractive. A trait that an excercise video would have is promising the "sexy apperance that every women craves".

Yes, it was posted in that color. Also, Carmen is 40 years old now, so I can't imagine the majority of women are dying to look like an ex-porn star far past her prime.

Conflicting Conclusions

2011-02-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

Those afflicted with androgenic alopecia suddenly have bigger problems than the social stigmas associated with the early onset of male pattern baldness. According to some doctors, you probably have cancer as well. Awesome, right? I like the idea of a champion fighting back against the hair gods, preferably one whose strength is only surpassed by the volume of his own hair.

Then again, you might not have cancer. Other doctors came to the exact opposite conclusion. After reading both studies (or at least the Cliffs' Notes version of them) I've come to the conclusion that some bald men get prostate cancer and some bald me don't. I know, I should have gone to med school instead of drawing comics for a living.

The last frame was drawn seconds before the doctors started a rumble, Sharks v Jets style, only with less singing and more stabbing with scalpels.

Butter

2011-02-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

How could you not vote for this guy? I mean, he's a karate expert with very liberal views on what constitutes a marriage and has a whole lot of conviction. I believe his message about the rent being economically challenging. I don't believe his facial hair. He's got kind of a Franz Josef/The Duke from Cinderella moustache sideburn bridge look with extra emphasis on his chin. Men have been growing hair on their faces since before they could walk upright, but never in all those years has anyone shaved that facial hair like Jimmy McMillan. If he can somehow channel that same creativity into solving New York's 3 billion dollar budget deficit then he earned my vote.

Ken Jennings did not represent on Jeopardy tonight. Luckily Brad Rutter kept Watson in check and is currently tied with the machine at the end of the first round. I have faith that Ken will turn things around in Double Jeopardy. He needs to keep winning if he expects his merchandise to keep selling.

Pleased as Punch

2011-02-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

The YSA conference was not quite what I expected it to be. I thought it was going to be maybe a couple talks and then a bunch of activity type things where you could meet people. Instead it ended up being a couple talks and then one really long talk with this lady who's supposed to be a dating expert or something. She was the one talking about how to ask for digits and other Dating 101 advice, as well as going over the 17 secrets to the male and female psychology. What are the secrets? That information will cost ya, to the tune of $175. No joke. The tagline for her program is "It's not you, it's your technique" which I find strikingly similar to what I discussed about the Men's Health article.

After all the talks they had a dance. After going to these things for 11 years now, I've come to the conclusion that a dance is not the best event to get to know a bunch of people. What you end up with usually is a group of friends standing together most of the time. A slow song will get played now and then and the best looking girls will get asked to dance while everyone else just kind of mills around uncomfortably until the song ends and they go back to standing next to their friends. It's difficult to talk. It's difficult to see. Less than 2% of the people there actually like dancing in public.

That's an example of my "Identify a Problem" skill. Here's an example of my "Fix a Problem" skill: scrap the dance and set up a speed dating activity instead. Spending two minutes with each person at the activity in a safe, controlled setting is a lot less intimidating and a more efficient way of meeting people.

So yeah, the conference wasn't what I expected, and not just because I didn't look at the itinerary before showing up. I'm also really glad I went.

Weekly Responses

2011-02-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

Mortician school is easy. I'm not taking any classes this semester that are funeral school specific- just a couple small business type ones. The hardest thing I have to do every week is post a response on Blackboard to some silly question the teacher asks. The question, and all the answers, are super boring. I try and spice them up as much as possible while still getting credit. Here's week four's question:

Once you write your mission statement for your business, what would you do with it? Do you think it is important for each employee to have a copy? Why or why not? What would you expect them to do with the information?

Oh my goodness who cares right? Anyway, here's what I wrote back:

Once you have your mission statement written it's important to have other people read it. You can make your employees read it by including it in their training, posting it conspicuously around the office/kitchen/break room, or threatening to fire them if they don't. But I believe people absorb information better if they want to. There are several steps things you can do to turn your employees into veritable sponges, sucking up all the wisdom included in your mission statement.

First thing you're going to want to do is spice up the font. Times New Roman is for old people. "Ctrl A" your statement and make it hip with some Arial/Helvetica, or keep it casual with a little Comic Sans. Type important words like "VOLCANOES", "INVASION", or "WORCHESTER SAUCE" in all caps, then maybe make them a different color like red or something to really make them pop.

Pictures say a thousand words. This is a good thing, since they're usually the only thing people are going to look at anyway. Make those thousand words count. Do not include a graph and call it a picture. Graphs are not pictures. Graphs are boring, pictures are not. See examples:

Lastly, you're going to want to have employees feel like they can somehow contribute to the mission statement. Have the last page of your statement be like a suggestions page or a survey they can fill out. Having a mechanism in place to act as a follow up to make sure they paid attention that simultaneously promotes interest in the welfare of the company is a boon to any mission statement. But the best part is, you don't even have to read their stupid answers. Because you're the boss.

Also make sure you run spellcheck so you don't look like an idiot.

Mix and Mingle

2011-02-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

There's a YSA conference this weekend down in Boston. I'm going, but the above comic is pretty accurate about my feelings towards the event. Not only do I not expect to find any greener grass, but even if I did it would only depress me since a long distance relationship between Boston and Albany isn't feasible. If there's one thing I've learned in all my years of dating, it's that long distance relationships are terminal and a pointless emotional investment. If there are two things I've learned from dating, the second thing would be not to bother washing your car before picking up your date, since they never notice anyway.

The real reason I'm going is because I'm committed to doing everything possible to keep from becoming a SA instead of a YSA. A few years ago Doug and I went to an activity in Palmyra we thought was YSA but when we showed up we discovered it was SA. It was equal parts awkward and depressing.

Snoozer

2011-02-07T21:45:00.000-08:00

According to Wikipedia and my own personal alarm clock, most digital snooze buttons turn the alarm off for nine minutes. Who the heck decided nine minutes (or multiples of nine minutes, as is often the case with me) was the best amount of time people should be allowed to sleep in? The only advantage I can think of is it makes me a little more awake when I have to start doing math in the morning, trying to add and subtract by nine which is slightly more difficult than say adding and subtracting by ten.

Apologies are in order for my college roommate, who on multiple occasions put up with me hitting the snooze button for upwards of two hours some mornings. Like the comic says, I'm a snooze crack head and some days I would snooze through an entire day's worth of classes.

Foul Shots

2011-02-06T21:57:00.000-08:00

In honor of Superbowl Sunday, here's a sports themed comic. As far as personal progress goes, adopting the proverb "if at first you don't succeed, lower your goals" isn't going to lead to a lot of improving. Nor in the above instance will it help your FGP.

I went snowboarding for the first time in two years this weekend and no, it wasn't the fake/poor kind of snowboarding from a few comics back. Luckily, snowboarding skills are more akin to bicycling skill than, say, Call of Duty skills. It took one run down the bunny hill and I was back in my element, despite the two year hiatus. Take two years off playing MW2 and then sign into Deathmatch and see how well you do. Hope being in last place every single time doesn't bother you.

When I was 16 I built this ramp behind my grandparents house that was about four feet tall on the edge of a ditch that was another four feet down. I didn't fully understand the importance of having a slope to come down on when you landed. I also didn't believe you needed very much snow because just a dusting allowed enough slide to get down a hill. So I landed on a flat, frozen surface going a pretty good clip and broke my right arm. Since then, I tend to ride conservatively. That wasn't the case this past time, and it felt awesome. And I didn't break my arm, so that was cool too.

Dead NPC's

2011-02-05T18:59:00.000-08:00

I beat Dead Space 2 tonight. If you don't want any spoilers about it (or the first Dead Space) don't read ahead. If you don't play video games and don't care about Dead Space 2 then don't bother reading ahead either.

I liked how they fleshed out Isaac's character more this time around, especially towards the endgame when he's really coming to terms with his mental collapse. I liked the environment design variety, though it was hard to ignore when the level designers reused set pieces. The Hive Mind final boss in the first game was far superior than the... um... Nicole(?) final boss, though the final level was a lot more intense in DS2 (freaking Regenerators from RE4... I hate those things...). I wish the Tiedemann's character had been decided on if he were good or bad- he went from being the central human protagonist to being partially redeemed at the final level back to finally trying to shoot a javelin in my head. Zero-g combat was almost non-existent, which is odd. DS2 loved to drop baddies right behind your character for a cheap hit. I would think being able to launch them at you from any direction while you floated helplessly about would be right up their dark corridor. I would have liked trying to fight Necromorphs in a 360 degree environment. Maybe in DS3. I couldn't overlook a huge plot hole, where Ellie is super distrusting of Isaac when they first meet because "people are a liability", but then proceeds to drag the nutty Stross around for half the game. Whatever. There are other issues I have with the game, and most of them are covered in IGN's article here if you're still interested.

I liked the ending, which was considerably more positive than DS1. I had hoped the end would show the Marker or a bunch of Necromorphs crashing into Earth to set up DS3, but I guess 12 other Marker sites in space is enough of a teaser for the next installment.

The Dead Space series is gracious enough to simultaneously debut a new enemy with a demonstration of their fighting tactics, both from a safe distance. The first example was in the very first room in the first game, when the Slasher guys dropped on the other side of the glass on top of the rest of Isaac's team. In case you couldn't tell those things were bad news, the game made sure you could watch as they sliced and diced your friends before you ran into one yourself.

Codenames

2011-02-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

Some of the other codenames I found interesting were India's and China's. India called theirs "Smiling Buddha", which I think is an odd thing to call a WMD. I don't think "Smiling Jesus" was ever even a consideration for our bomb. It certainly sounds innocuous enough though, like a project that would involve you rubbing a brass tummy as opposed to dropping 12 kilotons on some guy's house. China named theirs "596". I imagine that's just China's way of giving the finger to creative expressionism. Typical China. I don't know where China dropped the other 595 bombs before they made one that worked. Probably Tibet.

Women and Wikipedia

2011-02-01T18:47:00.001-08:00

Here's the link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/31/business/media/31link.html?bl

Or you could click here, because I'm so dang blogging proficient.

Global Warming

2011-01-31T21:02:00.001-08:00

Singularity

2011-01-29T20:07:00.000-08:00

SPM

2011-01-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

Choices

2011-01-27T18:47:00.001-08:00

Spontanious Combustion

2011-01-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

But something like that would never happen, because what could you possibly be protesting in a place where people are just handing out free bagels?

Poorness

2011-01-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

I can't wait until I can file taxes. Last year I got hecka returns on my federal taxes. I ended up owing Utah like $16. They told me where to send the check but not who to make it out to so I made it payable to "Utah Taxers". I assume there wasn't any problem with that because they cashed it. Anyway, I'm broke mostly due to some large purchases I've recently made.

Tuition to this place was costly:

No one ever said it wasn't going to be inexpensive to get a degree in mortuary science.

To get there I bought Tommy:

Who was named after

the white Power Ranger and not

my friend Tommy from high school.

Then I started paying rent every month to have a place of my own at

this place. The apartment was empty when I got there (of all physical items, at least. It was full of cat smells that took several bottles of Febreze to get rid of) so I had to buy a bunch of nice things to put in it

and by nice things I mean secondhand furniture and cheap Mainstay brand items. What's nice is there's a church that's not even across the street- it's across the parking lot

and I've got a key for it. So I play basketball there literally every night except for last night because it was a) Sunday and b) -16 degrees outside. I'm not any better, but I'm also not any fatter than I would be if I wasn't going. I'm still poor, but at least I don't have to pay for a gym membership.

You Mean Those Weren't Real Dinosaurs?

2011-01-23T18:39:00.000-08:00

My First Thought

2011-01-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Last night

2011-01-20T16:59:00.001-08:00

Last night the septic tank in the apartment where I live and work went supernova. By that, I mean it exploded. Unlike stars in space, however, our septic tank cannot expand at the speed of light in an infinite number of directions. The contents of our overflowing tank can only move in one direction, which is down a 3 inch overflow pipe. I don't know who made the final decision to have said overflow pipe end in the basement of the apartment building as opposed to, say, literally ANYWHERE else, but I would love to hear their logic. My guess is the plumber responsible was at one point into competitive paint thinner sniffing. I'm not sure what the rules to that game are, but I know the prize is a pipe that shoots refuse all over the basement.

I wasn't sure what to do to fix the problem, but I knew I needed to stop the water (and I use that term, "water", very loosely) so I shut off the mains to the apartment building. The other tenants were not very happy about that. I told them there was a problem with the septic system and the ground directly under them was rapidly filling with sewage. They were less than sympathetic and still wanted their water on. I tried explaining to them that this was all their fault for using too much water in the first place, at which point they went from being mildly annoyed to openly perturbed. I didn't pay them too much heed, as I had bigger problems than worrying about making friends with the other renters.

Despite no longer being freshly feed, the septic tank filth repository turned filth spewer was still drawing ripe resources from the adjoining leech field and continued to redeposit them in the basement. The contents of the tank needed to be drawn, not discharged (again). There are several sanitation services that are infinitely more qualified to handle these types of problems. Sadly, none of them are staffed at 9pm on a Wednesday evening and thus we were left to our own devices. A pool vacuum attached to large water storage barrels was lowered into the tank to lower the contents level. The original plumbers were creative in their placement of the overflow pipe; it was only fitting the solution to the problems that decision created be equally creative.

After trucking off nearly 700 gallons of waste (or, in more relative units, about 14 bathtubs full of refuse) we turned our attention to the standing water problem in the basement. A perfectly good shop vac was ruined sucking up the two to three inches of water, ruined because no equipment is fit for duty after going through what we put that vacuum through. This morning I nuked the crap out of that room (literally) with ammonia. Normally you distill ammonia with water and use it to clean, but not when you're cleaning up after what happened last night. Then you open a bottle of ammonia, dump it directly on the floor, grab another one, repeat. About halfway through my third bottle I began to feel my lungs changing color, from a healthy pink to a molting canary yellow, and I thought I might be getting a little carried away. But I ascribe to the axiom "better safe than sorry" and dumped another two bottles on there before running outside for some oxygen. Today the basement's clean again, but if you drop a sandwich on the floor down there you might just want to let it go, five second rule notwithstanding.

Dating Tips #4

2011-01-19T17:17:00.000-08:00

Have an aquarium at your place. Keep three fish in it. When you show it to your date, tell her two of the fish have names but the third one has none. Then ask her if she'd like to name it. This makes her feel important and creates a connection between her and your place, plus you can talk about "her" fish anytime in the future.

For bonus points give the other two fish couples' names, like Odette and Derrick or Elizabeth and Darcy, you know, to put her in that romantic mindset.

Plinko

2011-01-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

Check Engine

2011-01-16T20:48:00.001-08:00

Cursed

2011-01-15T20:27:00.001-08:00

Seeing Red

2011-01-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

Men's Health is a silly magazine. Luckily, it has a bunch of silly subscribers who will pay every month to finally find out how to get serious abdominal muscles. Honestly, on the cover of every month is says this issue will tell you how to get ripped abs. Want to know how to do that, but for free? Do sit ups and stop eating crap food. You're welcome.

Check Your References

2011-01-10T19:10:00.000-08:00

Custom Menu

2011-01-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

Drawing hats is a lot harder than you might think. I love McD's. Spicy McChicken with light mayo and extra lettuce, medium fries, two apple pies, and a large drink all for under five bucks. So tasty and so cheap. So bad for you, but when I'm eating it I so don't care.

(no Cami, not everyone wears red at McDonalds)

Class List

2011-01-08T15:21:00.000-08:00

In case you were wondering if you have what it takes to become a future funeral director, take a look over the couses you'd have to take before you can begin practicing.

MTSC 100 - Funeral Service Orientation

This is a required course for all new incoming Mortuary Science students. The course will explain state and federal legal and ethical concerns in the field as well as prepare the student for working in the preparation room. This course will focus on student concerns, rules and regulations, study skills and campus orientation.

MTSC 105 - Burial Customs Throughout Hist

This course examines ancient, medieval, modern and contemporary burial customs. Historical, sociological, religious and cultural perspectives are studied. Special emphasis is placed on the emergence of the American funeral service. Topical areas of discussion include western attitudes toward death and dying, funeral service organizations and associations, the history of embalming and specialized religious and fraternal services.

MTSC 110 - Mortuary Law

Fundamental concepts and principles of law applicable to the operation of a funeral home. Topics include legal environment of business; contracts, business organizations, including partnerships and corporations; agencies; personal and real property; estate law; cemetary law; rights, privileges, and responsibilities of survivors; duties, authority and responsibility of licensed funeral directors which are essential for licensure and professional practice.

MTSC 120 - Hygiene & Sanitary Science

A survey of the basic principles of chemistry and microbiology which relates these disciplines to Mortuary Science especially as they pertain to sanitation, disinfection, public health, and embalming practice. The development and use of personal, professional and community hygiene and sanitary practice is encouraged.

MTSC 130 - Embalming Theory & Practice I

Introduction to the theory and practice of arterial embalming and supplement treatment with some emphasis on chemistry as it relates to embalming.

MTSC 140 - Approaches to Death & Dying

This course discusses the philosophical and ethical aspects surrounding death and dying, as well as the decision making involved in these situations. It highlights the interaction of ethical, sociological, medical, psychological, legal, political and religious issues that surround end-of-life decision making.

MTSC 180 - Cross-Culturlal & Relig. Persp/Brvmnt

This course examines bereavement across various cultures. Special consideration will be given to major religious traditions regarding death. The world religions of Hinduism, Buddhism, Judeo-Christian, Islamic as well as Asian and Native American attitudes toward death are presented. The exploration of the richness of mourning traditions across the world is examined with an aim of increasing sensitivity and understanding toward the issue of death.

MTSC 200 - Psychology of Grief

A survey of contemporary attitudes toward death and dying in the United States, with emphasis on the death care system. Grief and bereavement in children, adolescents, and adults is discussed.

MTSC 205 - Funeral Service Counseling

A survey of counseling techniques as well as the functions of the counselor. The student will understand basic skills in counseling and learn to apply them to funeral service.

MTSC 210 - Funeral Service Management

A discussion of business, financial, religious and ethical principles inherent in the operation of a funeral directing establishment. Students will be exposed to the essential financial operations including financial analysis, insurance, advertising, personnel, public relations, inventory control, accounts receivable and mechandising. In addition to formal classwork, students will take scheduled field trips to product manufacturing and distribution plants.

MTSC 220 - Pathology

The general principles of pathology as applied to a study of the diseases which affect various organs, with particular emphasis on those conditions which relate to embalming and legal problems.

MTSC 225 - Restorative Art

Instruction in the problems of restoration of human remains to approximate a natural appearance. The student will be given theoretical and practical experience in the use of materials employed in restoration including a discussion of the qualities, effect, application and uses of color and cosmetics.

MTSC 230 - Embalming Theory & Practice II

A continuation of MTSC 130, Embalming Theory and Practice I, with greater emphasis on difficulties encountered in special cases. In order to successfully complete this two-course sequence, each student shall be required to actively participate in the embalming of at least ten human remains under the college's supervision.

MTSC 240 - Contemp Cncpts in Bereavement

This course will prepare students, both personally and professionally, for the role of today's funeral service director. The focus will be on the current state of the funeral service field and what is being expected of funeral service professionals. The course will discuss contemporary management and communication styles as they pertain to successful funeral home practice and provide a dynamic view into the planning, advising and counseling function of the director. Students will be asked to design and conduct funeral services and grief counseling sessions. Students will recognize the symptoms of compassion fatigue and discuss strategies to avoid burnout.

MTSC 250 - Pre-Professional Mortuary Sem

This seminar focuses on the skills necessary to find and obtain an internship placement and pass the National Board Examination. Students learn about employment strategies, job searches and interviewing skills. Students will prepare a professional portfolio, a resume, a letter of interest and complete a reflective paper assessing their own professional preparedness. Students will practice test taking strategies and utilize review materials provided by the NCE Board in preparation for the board exam.

MTSC 260 - Grieving Adolescents

This course deals with adolescent grief and loss. Adolescence is a unique developmental stage with its own strengths and weaknesses. This course is designed for teachers, parents, nurses, clergy and all caregivers who desire to be more effectible in their interactions with young adults who are grieving.

MTSC 261 - Grieving Children

This course focuses on the special needs of children who are grieving because of any loss. Loss is presented as part of attachment theory and is broadly defined. This course is designed to help teachers, parents, nurses, clergy, and all other care givers to be more effective in enabling children to grieve.

MTSC 262 - Understanding Grief & Loss

This course presents an overview of the recent theories about grief and loss. Special emphasis will be placed on applying theories to situations both at home and in the classroom. This course is designed to enable teachers, parents, nurses, clergy and others to be sensitive to the special needs of all grievers.

MTSC 280 - Adv Bereavement Studies

This course is the capstone in the Bereavement Studies certificate sequence. It examines specific topics, issues, and emerging practices in the bereavement field. Special topics will include complicated grief, grief therapy, disenfranchised grief, aftercare in funeral service, sex, race and gender issues in counseling and small group dynamics. This course has a service learning component and requires participation in a weekly integrating seminar.

MTSC 285 - Bereavement Internship

This course is designed to combine voluntary experience with academic learning and will require a minimum of 20 hours of volunteer service within the semester. This field experience includes observation and/or participation at a community service agency or funeral home. In addition, students must keep a written log of their expereinces and attend a weekly seminar to discuss and integrate related reading and volunter work.

There's also a national exam you have to take plus a year internship before you can practice. So if you're ever wondering what I'm doing at any point in the next 18 months, it probably is going to be related to something in the above paragraphs.

Anime

2011-01-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

Apparently all these movies were/are something special in terms of Japanese movies. And some parts of some of them are kind of cool I guess. That doesn't mean they're not all super weird though. And I do know one Japanese person, but they don't talk to me anymore so it's still okay.

Steven Meets Boy Meets World

2011-01-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

I always finish an episode a lot sadder than I was when it started. Those 20 minute windows into Cory's and Sean's and Topanga's lives over seven years... I don't know what it is about them. I feel the same way whenever I see the music video for "At Your Funeral". It probably has something to do with this. If you want, you can buy four seasons of "Boy Meets World" on DVD. Just make sure there aren't any high ledges or pills nearby while you watch them.

01.25.11

2011-01-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

There's an exception to the exception, being if you're the only one on board the spaceship and you are also deaf.

Apathy

2011-01-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

I like the idea of someone's brain in open rebellion. Not in a schizo kind of way, but the funny kind where it's sitting on the edge of a table reading a comic book. I wanted to have it smoking too- I think it would be pretty funny to find out my brain's a chain smoker.

I Need a New Brain

2011-01-02T19:35:00.001-08:00

Must Have Pulse

2011-01-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

What's more, most of the classes are actually online, making it all the less impressive. What kind of classes do you take online to get you ready to mess around with dead people for a living? Stay tuned and find out....

New Year's Eve Party Pooper

2010-12-30T19:47:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve party. Whatever. Any party for that matter... whatever. I stop functioning socially in groups over three people. People who meet me such situations usually remember me as "the one who didn't say anything" or "that dude who sat on the couch looking as if he had just watched 'The Big Sleep' ". Have you ever seen that movie? Yeah... that'll bust your brain.

Anyway, if you want to hang out with me on New Year's Eve, come over to my place. I'll be playing the Dead Space 2 demo and eating pizza. It's going to be awesome.

3: Read Books

2010-12-29T18:33:00.000-08:00

2: Do a Bunch of Pushups

2010-12-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

1: Get Married

2010-12-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

Take My T-shirt, Please

2010-12-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Merry Chirstmas

2010-12-24T19:50:00.001-08:00

FF's

2010-12-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

Helix

2010-12-23T20:16:00.000-08:00

My twinner is such a freaking sell out. Posing in tween clothes with a bunch of product in his hair... man. You're embarrassing us.

High Score

2010-12-22T17:20:00.001-08:00

Wreck

2010-12-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

Know those cars they make high school kids drive, the ones that are supposed to simulate what it's like to be driving drunk? Yesterday I was totally driving like that, only I wasn't drunk, nor was I driving a car with a purposely whacked steering wheel. Things I almost hit (in alphabetical order): ambulance (parked), bulldozer, buildings (about 3 different ones), car making a left turn in front of me, grandpa, and a tree.

I had one of these things hooked up to my car^^ but still, it's not the first time I've driven with a trailer.

The danger I represented on the road looked like this:

Where the stress level associated with above graph looks more like this:

Point 1: "woah. that was close. better put on my seatbeat."
         2: "sorry grandpa!"
         3: "what the heck is wrong with me?!"
         4: "dad, I'm in Cobleskill. I need you to drive me home before I commit vehicular manslaughter."

Friends don't let friends drive drunk. People don't let themselves drive crappily. Except in Utah.

School 4 Life

2010-12-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

Bottom of the Third (Hour)

2010-12-19T19:57:00.000-08:00

iPad whiteboard

Kiss and Tell

2010-12-19T14:15:00.001-08:00

Seasons Greetings

2010-12-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

Injustices Keep on Rolling

2010-12-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50894568-75/tabernacle-provo-fire-building.html.csp

World's Worst Cake

2010-12-15T12:42:00.001-08:00

Good Gone Bad

2010-12-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

Hypnopedia

2010-12-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

Comfort Zone

2010-12-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

Also, my computer's fixed.

stupid luggage handlers

2010-12-09T21:09:00.000-08:00

my computer is busted. i should have known better. once, while boarding a plane, i looked out the window and saw a suitcase way out on the tarmac. it just sat there for probably 10 mins. a guy came up, looked at it on the ground, radioed it in, and walked away. later someone picked it up on their cart things and drove it away. that's the kind of treatment luggage gets. why i thought shipping my computer to new york that way was a good idea, i don't know. anyway, it's busted. so... maybe no new comics for a while.

Tabs On

2010-12-07T01:59:00.000-08:00

Channel 666

2010-12-06T02:09:00.000-08:00

Gilbertphobia

2010-12-05T01:10:00.000-08:00

Fresh Start

2010-12-04T01:59:00.000-08:00

Don't Get Too Close to the Railing

2010-12-03T16:58:00.001-08:00

Cut Scene

2010-12-03T01:00:00.000-08:00